I know. I just finished saying I’m not telling you what to do. But I’m making an exception today. I’m not sure how I missed this trend, but apparently, people are eating gold. Yes, actual gold. In food. What’s even more fascinating to me is that I came across this trend in the healthcare sphere where people were questioning if eating gold was safe. Pfffffffffttttt (that was my tap water blasting out of my mouth dramatically). Come again? Is eating gold safe? WHY IS THIS EVEN A QUESTION?! (yes, I’m yelling)
Of course I had to look up some edible gold immediately. I thought maybe I would come across a couple of options. There are hundreds! My absolute favorite option is this imitation caviar called “Angel Tears.” (Imitation caviar? Oh, and I definitely have always wanted to taste the tears of an angel. You know what’s making that angel cry? You. Eating its tears!)
If you choose not to go full Angel Tears in your gold eating, you can get gold flakes in burgers, on chocolate bacon, cakes, wine… you name it. Add gold. It’s available. You can even buy a $1000 bagel with gold at the Westin in New York. Don’t worry It’s whole wheat. And if you want sushi served with edible gold and topped with pearls and a diamond, that’s also available for just under $2,000 (what a steal!).
If you are reading this blog, I assume you are not eating gold (unless Google led you here because you wonder if eating gold is safe. If that’s you… I’m going to say no. And that I think you’re foolish. And that’s putting it kindly). But we’re all guilty of eating money (yup, me too!).
Only slightly less horrifying is the fact that bottled water is a nearly-$19 billion industry. If you don’t have safe tap water, fine. I’m not pointing at you. But the rest of you. Yes you. And you. Remember tap water? It comes out of your sink. (Granted, I do not live in a place with bad tasting water. Alaska’s tap water is glacial. And delicious.) Do you know what you get from eating gold or drinking bottled water? Expensive excrement! (and your toilet will feel fancy!)
Along the same (horrible for the environment) lines are prepackaged serving sizes. Pre-cut apples in tiny plastic bags. They’re the same apples, but cut and put into an individual bag doubles the price. (Those ones even taste terrible.) Public shaming: we currently have individual sized hummus containers in our fridge. We’re eating that money! (“Get it together, Maggie!”)
Eating out without thinking is also eating money. I went out to eat with my parents recently last minute to a restaurant we were driving by. As I was eating the pasta, I thought “I consistently make better food than this.” I ate that money. Sure, I didn’t have to make it, but since we rarely eat out, I choose only to go to places that can make better food than I can or things that would take me an exorbitant amount of time to make. If I’m going to pay someone to cook for me, they better earn it!
Bottled water, individual packaging, and bad restaurants are not nearly as bad as literally shoving gold down your throat. (If you’re still doing that, stop. And yes, I’m telling you what to do.) But I would like to not flush any money down the toilet (pun intended).
How else do we eat our money?